Renewal
by StepBackAndAway
Summary: An alternative take on the life and times of Hollyleaf after the events of Sunrise. No one is beyond redemption.
1. Chapter 1

NB: This is a fanfiction about my own take on Hollyleaf and her redemption. This diverges from Warriors canon after Sunrise, where Hollyleaf flees into the tunnels. This is my first fanfiction, so all criticism welcome.

* * *

_I instantly realized that everything in my life that I'd thought was unfixable was totally fixable-except for having just jumped._

_-_Ken Baldwin

* * *

_StarClan, help me, _Hollyleaf wailed in her thoughts as she ran through the darkness, but she already knew there was no help left for her. The earth shifted above her head and a storm of dust slashed at her nose and throat, catching at her breath and forcing her to cough. From far, far away she could hear her brothers screaming her name, but she did not have the voice to respond. Her paws cut into the soft dirt beneath her, and suddenly she wondered why she was bothering to run. What was the point in continuing to exist? The warrior code had failed her, and she it. The Clan would never accept her. She strained her eyes into the depths of the tunnel, and wondered if that was all her future held-darkness and shadow.

_But if I die, where will I go? _She was a traitor to the warrior code, no, more than that, she was an abomination, her very existence in contradiction to its most base laws. Surely StarClan could not accept cats with no Clan, no great deeds, nothing to show for her life except the taste of Ashfur's blood in her mouth. The thought slashed across her heart: _Ashfur! Would I see him if I died? _The fear lent wings to her paws and she burst ahead, through the dust. She realized with a thorn of anguish that she did not, after all, want to die. She was not old, and there was so much she hadn't done. Never taken a mate, never raised kits, never mentored a young cat into a warrior. Never led even so much as a patrol. Now it was all too late.

Part of the tunnel crumbled away and a rock broke free and smashed into her skull. Hollyleaf shrieked as the world went white, and tasted blood where her teeth had sunk into her tongue. Even though the tunnel was still so dark, a cat appeared, forcing her to skid to a panting halt. He was almost completely furless, and his sightless eyes bulged from their sockets. Hollyleaf caught his scent: he smelled of dust and death and time, while in the whites of his eyes glimmered the light of secrets.

"Who are you?" she cried, but he did not respond. "Am I going to die in here?" she asked instead.

The hairless cat pulled out a stick from somewhere, a long, pale one with neatly scored lines. Some had a second line crossing them, but not all. The old cat's paw brushed against eight lines: five long, three small. The thought stirred a memory in her mind, a memory of being trapped in these tunnels while rain roared overhead and the river flooded. It was not so very long ago, and yet it was almost her entire lifetime. _Five apprentices. Three kits. _The old cat's claw extended and touched the third of those lines where the vertical mark slashed through. _Me? _

Then, finally, she understood. _I survived then. I can live now. _"Thank you," she breathed, but he gave no sign that he'd heard, merely vanishing. A groan above her head reminded Hollyleaf that she was not yet out of danger and, forgetting her pain and nausea, she ran for her life until the tunnel opened up and she slumped into the cave where, once upon a time, two apprentices had played and loved. She might have imagined it, but she thought she could taste a trace of her brother's scent still. Too exhausted to explore further, Hollyleaf slumped onto the floor of the cave and fell into the deepest sleep she'd ever known.

_She saw herself, full of ambition and hope, creeping along the shore to visit RiverClan, to discover why they were living on the island and causing so much tension among the Clans. She was shocked by how young she looked, how soft her fur, how innocent her green eyes._

-That was me-

_She saw herself again, older now, creeping behind Ashfur, stalking him like a rabbit, leaping onto his back and biting down, and what she saw in her own face frightened her so badly she wanted to scream._

_-_That is me-

_She saw Lionblaze, an apprentice again, struggling beneath the weight of Ashfur. Fury burned in both cats, and she trembled before its heat. "Tough enough?" Ashfur spat, as though talking to a nemesis. Lionblaze seemed about to speak, before Brambleclaw cut in between them with a commanding yowl. Ashfur looked up, but his eyes landed on her instead of Brambleclaw, and her breath caught at the madness in his gaze._

-That could be me-

_She saw Breezepelt leaping and clawing in a forest of shadows, his paws jabbing into individuals. She could hear him snarling "Leafpool. Squirrelflight. Lionblaze. Jayfeather. Hollyleaf." Over and over, like a prayer, timed with each deadly strike._

-That will be me-

_She saw a young she-cat with soft grey fur and stepped into her pelt, and gasped as her senses exploded until she could see and hear everything the world had to offer, even the soft whispers of the stars._

_-_Why can't that be me-

_Fire now, lapping around the tree trunk while lightning roared above. Ice now, and she stumbled through the forest, too young to even know her name. Water now, and the sun sank into the endless expanse while stars shimmered above the head of a badger._

-StarClan help me-

_A tortoiseshell pressed her muzzle against Hollyleaf's, her amber eyes filled with grief and love. She opened her mouth to speak, but Hollyleaf couldn't hear her voice, no matter how hard her ears strained. A massive tabby tom stepped towards her, his ears pricked in curiosity, but a terrible fear clutched at her heart and she fled them both, fur bristling in terror._

Hollyleaf's eyes flung open and she tried to leap to her paws, only to topple back into the ground as the world slid sideways. Her head and ears rang and she doubled over, being sick across the cave floor. For a few minutes she just lay there, panting, her tongue squirming vainly from the foul taste in her mouth. _I can't die here, _she told herself dully. At last the whining in her ears faded and she clambered to her paws, resolutely putting one in front of the other until she reached the dark river and was able to wash the sick from her face and mouth.

The cold water cleared her thoughts, and she crouched in misery as her memories returned. _What do I do? What can I do? _She couldn't bring herself to regret Ashfur's death, try as she might. He'd been crazy, a traitor to the code, he'd tried to kill her and her brothers, just for the sake of hurting Squirrelflight for a slight that happened long ago. A dark rage throbbed in her temples at the thought of Squirrelflight. _You lying piece of fox dung! This is your fault! Yours and Leafpool's! _Her claws dug into the stone. She couldn't punish Leafpool, couldn't do anything worse to her than what the medicine cat had already done to herself, but Squirrelflight...well, she still had her perfect life, didn't she? She still had things to lose...

Hollyleaf took several deep breaths, closed her eyes, and slashed her claws across her leg. Once. Twice. Blood pooled from the scratches, and she bent to clean them. The pain cut through the red haze in her thoughts. _StarClan save me, I think I'm going mad. _She had to get out of here before she did turn out like Ashfur, and spent seasons planning and obsessing over one act of revenge. _I have my vengeance. Squirrelflight's lost Brambleclaw. She's lost the respect of her Clanmates, and my brothers will never trust her again. Let that be enough. _Somehow, though, it wasn't.

She stepped away from the river and cast around, searching for a way to the surface. She knew there was a way out of these tunnels, because Heathertail had met Lionblaze here, and later on the entirety of WindClan had caught ThunderClan by surprise using the tunnels as a way to bypass the borders. Heathertail's scent would be long gone, of course, washed away by moons of rain and snow, but there might still be a trace of WindClan from the battle. If not, well...she'd have to trust blindly to luck. It was not a thing she'd ever enjoyed doing. This time, though, she was fortunate, and her scent glands picked up the slightest trace of the moorland warriors, from a tunnel that shot upwards.

Hollyleaf padded on, feeling her stomach ache with hunger. She couldn't remember the last time she had eaten. Perhaps there would be prey at the end of the tunnel..._no, that would be WindClan prey! Stealing it would go against the code. _Another part of her sneered at that. _You're not a Clan cat! The warrior code says you shouldn't even exist. What does a rabbit matter, in the face of that? _She whimpered and faltered, before resolutely shaking her head and padding onwards. _The cat promised I would escape. I will get out of here. _And with that thought, the tunnel opened up, and a blast of cold air and snow whipped at her face. The moorland stretched before her, the lake to one side, the mountains to the other. And beyond that? Miles and miles of nothing.

Now what? What could she do? Go back, and beg for ThunderClan's forgiveness? No, it was too late and too little, and she wouldn't say an apology she didn't mean. _I had to tell them. The Clan shouldn't hold secrets like that. _Go to her father in WindClan? That was even more repugnant, if they would even accept her at all. She breathed in, searching for a trace of prey, but found nothing. At least the snow should prevent any cats from finding her trail, should a WindClan patrol happen upon this tunnel. _Get out of WindClan territory, _she decided. _Hunt. Sleep. Then decide. _Her paws already growing numb from the cold, she plunged resolutely onwards, until at last she hit the scentlines that marked the end of Clan territory. The wind whipped painfully at her, the ice crystals it carried stinging at her eyes. _If I don't find shelter, I could die here, _she realized, and the thought added extra urgency to her steps.

She wasn't sure how long she'd been walking, long enough that she'd stopped thinking about much at all, when she stumbled across a small copse around a pool. The pool was frozen solid, of course, and the trees were bare, but thick holly bushes still provided shelter and she caught the scent of mouse. She crouched to wait for what seemed like hours before the small animal darted from its hole, squeaking slightly in fear. Hollyleaf leaped forwards and caught it cleanly. It was small and skinny, barely a meal, but the food steadied her spinning head and allowed her to feel sleepy. She scraped a small hollow in the dirt beneath the holly bushes, and curled up as tightly as she could to shield herself from the wind.

As had happened in the tunnels, a slight scent caught at her nose and her head shot up. _That's familiar__..._She would never forget that scent, not if she lived to be a thousand moons.

_Sol was here._


	2. Chapter 2

It was snowing.

Flakes danced above their heads and collected in their fur, while eyes glinted in the darkness. The thick cloud prevented the night from growing dangerously cold, but it was harsh enough that only adult cats stood in the clearing, their breath steaming and their ears flat against their heads. Tension hummed between them, and most cats kept a small distance from their neighbors. Two stood close together, a tom and a she-cat, their pelts fluffed out against the cold.

A rustling broke the silence, and as one they all jerked their heads up. Three toms of forbidding aspect pushed through the snow-laden brush. They dwarfed the cold-starved cats that had waited for them, each sleek and powerfully muscled. Their eyes were utterly expressionless and their tails remained still, as though they were more stone made flesh than living cat. As they passed into the center of the clearing, the other cats drew away, fur bristling in silent fear.

"The Messor has spoken," said one of the toms in a deep, almost-purr. "A name has been called."

An almost inaudible sigh rang out from the gathered cats, and one stepped forwards. In better times, she would be large and powerful herself, easily a match for one of the toms. Now she was little more than a skeleton with fur stretched over her bones and there was no trace of defiance in her mew as she replied, in the cadence of a ritual:

"We hear the word of the Messor and obey. Who among us has been named?"

Another tom straightened up, and he paused as if to savor the miasma of terror in the clearing.

"Watercress," he said at last, and again there was a gentle, sad noise that might have even been just the wind.

The two cats that had been standing close together drew apart, and the she-cat's eyes glittered with grief as she licked the tom's head. "Look after yourself, Charlock," she mewed affectionately. "And keep an eye on Mother."

"No," the tom replied stubbornly. "I won't let you go alone. There must be something...some way..." He looked desperately at the three big cats, who calmly met his gaze in return.

"You know you can't come," Watercress said gently, stroking his flank with her tail. "But keep to the faith. We don't know...it might not be so bad..."

Charlock shook his head wildly and stared unseeing into the shadows of the forest, a wail building up in his throat. The three toms surrounded Watercress and began to push her out of the clearing, keeping half an eye on the young cat being left behind.

"I love you. No matter what happens, I'll always love you," Watercress called over her shoulder to her brother, who thrashed his tail and hunched over himself in pure misery. And on a night so dark and still that even the wolves were silent while the clouded moon howled, the she-cat and her entourage disappeared into the trees, and every cat left behind knew that they would never see her again.

* * *

Hollyleaf stirred, her eyes sticky with sleep. The air was still biting, the leaves around her frosted, but she staggered to weary paws in any case. Pushing her way through the branches, she stepped into pale sunlight in a crisp blue sky. Even the wind had ceased to snarl. She flexed her claws into the snow, remembering that on other such days she would have leaped out of the warriors' den, eager to make the most of a day that promised good leaf-bare hunting. With a snort, she kicked snow over her sleeping place to cover her scent and crouched back in the shadows. The holly bushes were bright red with berries, and would be a rare food source for hungry birds. She did not have to wait very long before a thrush darted into the bush to stab at a berry. Hollyleaf leaped and killed the bird swiftly, hissing as the sharp edges of the leaves jabbed through her sides.

Once she had finished gulping down the thrush, she cast about again for Sol's scent. It was very faint, but the fact that it was there at all during this weather meant that he couldn't be more than a day or so away at best. Hollyleaf glanced at the sun. She had lost track of time in the tunnels and after the blow to her head, but she thought it was perhaps a day and a night after she'd fled the Clans. She had to get moving, then; that was ample opportunity for a patrol to pick up her trail and track her down. Her nose to the ground, she followed the slight scraps of scent, every now and again glancing behind her at the home she was leaving far behind. _Don't think about that. It's not your home. It never was your home. It was the Clans' home, and you were never a Clan cat._

She padded after Sol's faint trail. In her heart of hearts, she knew that tracking him down was nothing more than a distraction: she and her siblings had already learnt to their cost that Sol knew little of use to them. But she wanted to put off the moment where she would have to decide how to live a Clanless life, and so she resolutely tracked him across the barren lands. It was difficult, as the wind and snow had blown away most of his traces, but Hollyleaf had been taught to hunt in a forest flooded with odors and the clear air of the moor made any scent stand out like a flash of blood. Here and there she would come across other signs of his passing, like a strand of hair or-her nose would wrinkle at this-places where he'd buried his dirt. Alone, and with no need to dwell on her dark thoughts, Hollyleaf even began to enjoy herself. It had been too long since she'd last performed a task with nothing else in mind but the task itself. Then she remembered the last time she'd tracked a cat like this, and the salty taste of his blood forced her to stop and close her eyes for several heartbeats, breathing deeply, before she felt strong enough to continue.

A day and a night passed. Hollyleaf ate nothing but a skinny rabbit unwise enough to blunder past her, unwilling to leave her trail and look further afield for prey. She slept only when she was too weary to walk onwards. Her pelt, once so thick and soft, was beginning to clump and hung loosely around her visible ribs. Her one consolation was that Sol's scent was getting stronger. She could imagine the rogue moving on at a leisurely pace, tail high, already searching for a new place to cause trouble. The fur on the back of her neck bristled as she remembered how he'd tried to turn ShadowClan away from the light of StarClan, and not for the first time wondered if it was information or vengeance she was seeking from the loner.

At sunhigh the next day his traces abruptly vanished, and Hollyleaf drew to a halt, lashing her tail in frustration. Had he worked out he was being followed? The moor wasn't flat enough for her to be spotted from far away, but a wind change might have brought her scent towards him if he'd been paying attention. So determinedly did she cast about for the slightest scrap of his trail she nearly leaped out of her fur when her quarry spoke behind her.

"Looking for me again, Hollyleaf? Is ThunderClan truly so desperate for my company?"

Slowly, not bothering to hide her hostility, she turned to meet his yellow gaze. As always, her breath caught at the endless depths to his eyes, try as she might to avoid staring at them. Despite the cold and the snow, his pelt was as clean and smooth as a kittypet's. A small smile played on his mouth, as though he knew very well that it was not on ThunderClan's orders that she'd sought him out.

"ThunderClan wants nothing to do with you. Firestar has announced your exile. If you return to the lake, you'll be torn to pieces." The last bit was nothing Firestar had said or would probably ever say, but she wanted to try and frighten him. If anything, her threat seemed to amuse him further, and he beckoned to her with his tail.

"Come. This is a poor place for discussion, and you appear to be in need of a meal." As Hollyleaf stood her ground, lips curling into a snarl, Sol tipped his head sideways.

"Have you come to kill me, Hollyleaf? You know I did not murder Ashfur."

For a moment she considered it. There was nothing in his smooth pelt and scar-free face that even hinted he could fight. His weapons were enigma and magnetism, powerful in their own right, but nothing in the face of tooth and claw. Perhaps this thought showed in her eyes, because for the first time Sol seemed to grow slightly tense, as though preparing to flee. Inside, Hollyleaf was torn. She wanted to kill him, wanted to sink her claws into his fur and tear his eerie composure to shreds, hear his screams, to make him become nothing more than an ordinary cat. That seemed like the only acceptable punishment for what he'd tried to do to the Clans and the warrior code.

"I could," she breathed, looking fiercely into his eyes, refusing to let him charm her. "Perhaps some would even say I should."

But...no, she wasn't being honest. She didn't want to kill him because he attempted to turn the Clans from StarClan and the code. She wanted to hurt him because he'd betrayed her, and her brothers. He'd promised them the power of the stars, but all he'd ever cared about was power of his own. Somehow, in her mind, it all spiraled back to him: if not for Sol and his promises, things would have turned out differently, and she wouldn't be standing here now, claws scratching at the snow and considering the possibility of another murder.

But if she killed him, she'd be alone. If she killed him, there'd be no going back. Ashfur had been bad enough, but she'd slaughtered him to protect her brothers and her Clan. This...there was nothing except vengeance in this. _Are you worth my soul? Am I the kind of cat who kills because she can't see any other way out? _And again Ashfur's face swam in her mind. _We are the choices that we make._

"I never meant any harm to you, Hollyleaf," Sol mewed, with a hint of urgency. "Nor to your brothers. I want to destroy the Clans because it's not a way for cats to live. Dogs live in packs, or Twolegs. A cat's greatest glory is his independence. Or hers. What need does a cat like you have of a leader? Why should the spirits of the dead dictate to the living?" He stepped closer to her, so she could practically taste his strangely sweet scent. "You believe the worst of me, Hollyleaf, and perhaps you have reason for that, but I can assure you...I'm not the monster you think I am. I make mistakes, yes. I was wrong to try and bring down your Clans through force, and I was wrong to try and use you and your siblings, but..." He lifted his muzzle to hers, so that they were almost touching. "Do you think I deserve to die for that?"

"That's not my judgement to make," Hollyleaf said at last, surprised by the steadiness of her voice. "You're the one who has to live with your decisions." She stepped back and shook herself. "I won't kill you, but..."

"Yes?" Sol looked at her enquiringly.

"Do you know _anything?_" She couldn't keep out a trace of scorn. "Or was all that you told us about destiny just thistledown to trick us?"

"I know some things," he replied, his calm demeanor returning. "Not everything. But as I said before, I do know a place where you can eat, and rest in the warmth. After that, I will tell you everything you want to know. Perhaps even some things you don't want to know."

Hollyleaf hesitated briefly, and glanced behind her.

"Of course," Sol added, "you may wish to return to ThunderClan..." She whirled on him, teeth bared, and he took a step back from her anger.

"No? Then come along. The sooner we arrive, the sooner we eat." He set off, padding through the snow, not looking back once to see if she was following. His sudden assumption of control infuriated her, and for a moment she was fully prepared to stalk off in another direction. Before she could storm away, her belly growled, and she thought wistfully of plump mice and a warm nest.

_If he can give me either of those things, _Hollyleaf decided, _it will be worth his company, at least for a little while. _With a sigh, she set off to follow him.


	3. Chapter 3

She followed him through the soft white while the wind played with the fur around her ears.

Sol never faltered, not even to check for directions or if she was still behind him. Hollyleaf let her mind drift into thought and memory, thinking of her brothers. Were they still with the Clans? Did they think she was dead, and grieve for her? Or did they hate her for what she'd done? Her mouth twisted bitterly at the thought that her only legacy to the Clan she'd loved and shed blood for was no legacy at all. She imagined her name being spoken less and less with each rise and fall of the sun, until only the older warriors remembered that Leafpool had a third child, a mad daughter who fled the Clans.

Oddly, the thought was strangely freeing. _I'm not that cat anymore. I can take a new name, have a new life. Nobody out here would care who my parents were, or if they were supposed to have kits or not. _Yet try as she might she couldn't possibly imagine what this new life could be. _I wanted to be Clan leader. That's all I ever wanted. To be a good warrior, to serve the code. _What made a cat? What made her Hollyleaf, and not someone else? She was black fur and green eyes, but she was more than that. She was ambition and pride and intelligence. And if she couldn't change the color of her eyes or fur, did that mean she couldn't change herself in any other way? So lost was she in her circling thoughts that she nearly ran into Sol when at last he stopped. She bit back the instinctive apology and flexed her claws as he waved his tail in preemptive dismissal of it.

"This is the place," Sol mewed, quietly.

"This" was a Twoleg nest. It was swathed in snow and seemed oddly lonely, with the windows dark and empty, staring like a cat in death. The house was built on wood sticks, so there was a large space beneath it, more than big enough for a cat to walk through. The space was blocked at the back by earth, so it was almost a sort of cave. Somebody had built a kind of nest in one of the corners with dead brush, and Sol headed for that, squeezing into it. Hollyleaf hesitated, examining the house. She could scent no trace of Twolegs, but the house didn't seem abandoned; the gate and fence were in good condition, as were the walls and doors. Nevertheless, she saw nothing to fear, and padded into the space. It was not as warm as she'd hoped, but it was a great deal more pleasant than the bitter conditions outside. She pushed the wall of Sol's nest aside to make enough room for her to lie down without touching him.

Before relaxing, she inhaled again, this time scenting for prey. There was a strong odor of rat and Hollyleaf followed it on silent paws, invisible in the gloom. A sudden flash of movement and she sprang, teeth sinking into the back of its neck before it could dart back into its hole. She took her prize back to the nest and began to eat, famished. Rat had never been her favorite food, but just now she was too starved to care.

"You're an excellent hunter," Sol praised her, tail twitching. "That's a gift. No matter where you are, you will never starve."

"I'm not catching anything for you," Hollyleaf mumbled through a mouthful of meat. "Keep your flattery to yourself." She swallowed, and gave him a hard look. "What do you want?"

He ignored her glare. "What do _you _want? Surely you did not come to find me for this..."

Hollyleaf thrashed her tail. She did not want to waste her time bantering with this cat. Perhaps he sensed her mood after all, because he raised his paw in capitulation.

"A bargain, then. Something for something. You can ask me a question, which I will answer, and then I will ask you a question. Which you will answer."

"Okay," Hollyleaf mewed warily. She didn't want to seem desperate by launching into the spinning shadows in her mind, so she thought before asking her first question. "Where did you come from?"

"I? I come from everywhere."

She nearly spat at him. "That's not an answer!"

"Yes it is. It's a true one, as well. Nevertheless, if you wish for specifics...I was born a kittypet. After, oh, one or two adventures, I decided that wasn't the life for me, and I left. Then I wandered."

She thought about that. Her own grandfather Firestar had been born a kittypet, but he had only entered the life of the wild at the behest of Bluestar and Graystripe. She tried to imagine a cat simply waking up one morning and deciding to leave his entire life behind, and she didn't know if she was disbelieving or simply envious. Sol watched her for a few moments, before speaking.

"Does ThunderClan know you're here?"

For a heartbeat she was tempted to lie, just to spite him; but she didn't see any real point in it otherwise. "No. I left." She expected for him to ask why, but he said nothing, merely waiting for her next question.

"How did you learn about the Clans?"

"I always knew them. There was a Clan living near my housefolk." His eyes darkened, just for a moment.

Hollyleaf blinked. "You lived in the old forest?" He would have to be much older than he looked, to have done that.

"I do not know this 'old forest'. A Clan lived in the gorge nearby and I learned some of their ways." And again there was that fleeting shadow across his face.

"But that can't be right," she argued. "There are only four Clans, and they only lived in the forest before they came here."

Sol let out a _mrrt _of laughter. "Is that so? In all the wide, wide world, there is no possibility of there being more than four Clans? In any case, I answered your question. Why did you leave ThunderClan?"

"I had to leave. I..." She remembered that Sol knew some of this already. "I found out that Leafpool and Crowfeather were my parents. My existence was a betrayal of the code. I did things..." She looked down at her paws, remembering bright red berries and Leafpool's dark despair. "Things that shouldn't be forgiven." She flicked her gaze up into his eyes, and added, "How did you find my Clans in particular?"

"A badger named Midnight told me about them, and that the sun would disappear in their midst briefly." Hollyleaf took a breath. So he didn't have powers greater than that of medicine cats; he'd just been lucky. Was she disappointed or relieved? Sol continued, and to her surprise he did not ask exactly what she'd done.

"Did the prophecy come true, then? Do you and your brothers have greater power than StarClan?"

A thorn of grief pierced her heart, and she remembered her dreams as she'd lain in the tunnels. "They might," she mewed, her voice almost a whisper, "but if I do, I don't know it." Was she selfish to so desperately want it to be otherwise?

Sol gently lay his tail across her flank, and she sensed that the tit-for-tat questioning was over. "You do have power over StarClan, Hollyleaf. Every cat does. Truly, what can the dead do? When I broke ShadowClan's faith in their ancestors, who brought that back, you or StarClan? Can StarClan heal the sick, mend what's broken, feed the starving, kill their foes, lead the Clans? No. Only the living can."

She pulled herself away from his tail. "StarClan gave us the warrior code. They don't tell us how to lead our lives. They _help_."

"Who did they help, exactly? You? Jayfeather?" He leaned in. "Ashfur?"

She swiped a paw at him, but he didn't flinch, and her claws sliced the air harmlessly a few inches from his face. "No more games. _What do you know?"_

"I know you killed Ashfur." When she gaped dully at him, he smiled without humor. "Who else could have killed him so neatly and efficiently, and who else had such a good reason?" Now he sat up, all mockery gone. "You want the truth, Hollyleaf? Even knowing it might be painful?"

"Am I one of the Three?" she asked softly.

Sol held her gaze. "If you do not have your power now...then I would say not. It manifested in your brothers at an early age, I am given to understand, perhaps even since birth. There was nothing in the prophecy to indicate that the Three had to be littermates, and Firestar has plenty of other kin in his Clan, doesn't he?"

Even though at heart she already knew this, had known it for a very long time, it still hurt like a blow to the stomach. _There's nothing special about me. I have no great destiny. _Perhaps Sol could read her thoughts, because he spoke on.

"Prophecies do not make a cat powerful, Hollyleaf. Cats with power have prophecies made _about _them. No words were ever spoken over Tigerstar, but he rose to undoubtedly be one of the greatest cats in the forest. Evil, yes indeed, but no less for all that."

"I don't want to be Tigerstar. I want to follow the code and serve my Clan. I mean...I used to want that."

Sol exhaled sharply. "Can't you see how free you are now? You are entirely in charge of your own destiny, with neither rules nor prophecy to bar your way. You want to lead a Clan? Form your own. There are plenty of strays and house cats who would jump at the chance and you are strong and clever enough to keep even the fiercest rogues in line. You could rule a Clan greater than all the others put together, why not? Who would stop you?"

For a moment Hollyleaf saw the idea, burning brightly in her mind like a firefly. Then she shoved it away. "I would," she answered softly. "Quit pretending that you know me." Because he didn't, she remembered. They had not met more than a pawful of times, and of those, only the trip back from Twolegplace had been long enough to form a lasting impression. His flattery was just that.

"Then wander alone," he meowed impassively. "Become nothing more than another starving shadow that wastes her potential. Why would I weep for the fall of a ThunderClan exile? There are thousands just like you."

She stared hard at him. _Now we come to it. _"What do _you _think I should do?"

Sol inclined his head to her. "If you don't want to forge your own path, you could join me in my travels. The world is bigger than you could possibly imagine, and there are many wonders in it. Some I have seen, but most I think will forever remain unknown. I have seen Twoleg nests that rise so high they pierce the clouds. I have seen the lions and tigers and leopards of your legends in the flesh, trapped in Twoleg cages, alongside other monsters I have no name for. I have shared words with wolves and seen flocks of birds gather so thickly that they blocked out the sun. Your Clan would call me a loner and that is so, but I do not relish traveling alone. Wherever I can, I have sought out companions. To teach them, and to learn."

"I've seen your teachings," she replied with a trace of contempt. "Jingo and her group? They looked like they really benefited from your wisdom. Almost torn to pieces by dogs as they were."

He curled his lip, ever-so-slightly. "If you spoke with them, then you'll know that they did not listen to me. They drove me out. I made mistakes, yes, I have never denied that. I overestimated their abilities. But if they preferred to blame me rather than their own failings, so be it. I moved on and found Purdy, who, you may remember, never spoke a word against me."

"And ShadowClan?"

"As I said. I believe the warrior code...no, I believe the Clans to be a useless institution, designed to trap the potential of cats into an endless circle where nothing is accomplished or achieved. Kits become apprentices who become warriors and queens, then die in battle or of greencough or old age. A few become medicine cats and dream of where to find herbs or to beware of dogs. Some become deputies and leaders to guide them through these predestined lives, and _nothing happens. _Nothing is lost. Nothing is gained. Bar a few exceptions, not a single life has any _purpose. _You could remove more than half of the history of the Clans and they would be identical to as they are now. They do not learn. They do not change unless their very existence depends on it and after the threat is gone they fall straight back into their old ways. I do not understand how any sane-thinking cat could survive under such...suffocation." He held her gaze, ignoring the ominous fluffing of her neck fur. "So yes, as I said when I met you, I did my best to break ShadowClan of their bonds. Had I been given sufficient time, I could have done so, and they would have been the better for it. But they were too brainwashed and they clung to their old ways. Blackstar was just as weak."

"You're wrong," Hollyleaf said, harshly and simply. "Without the warrior code, we would be nothing but a pack of rogues."

"A code is a noble thing. But it must be flexible. Were it not for the rigidity of the warrior code, would you be here, Hollyleaf? Why must a medicine cat be forced to celibacy, when such a thing goes against the heart of every cat? Why such scorn over the breeding of two half-Clan cats, when such a thing could only be good for the bloodlines of the Clans?"

She shook her head in mute response. Sol sighed and flicked her shoulder with his tail. "We don't have to agree on everything to journey together. It may be that you are right and the Clans truly are the best way for a cat to live. Prove it to me, and others we meet."

She shouldn't. She knew that. Sol was pond scum, his words nothing short of blasphemy. How dare he question the code and the Clans? What did he know of them, of the bonds between her and her Clanmates and StarClan?

_But they didn't help you, _that little voice whispered in her thoughts. _Did Clan loyalty stop Ashfur from trapping you on that log? Wasn't it love that made Squirrelflight and Leafpool lie to you, over and over? Didn't StarClan deny you the powers they gave to your brothers? And if every cat was so pure and committed to code, you wouldn't even exist..._

And she wondered. She couldn't imagine seeing a real tiger, or a sky-piercer, but the thought of their existence made her heart beat a little faster. She had always been adventurous; she had gone fox-hunting as a kit and journeyed to the mountains as an apprentice. Was it fitting, in a way, that she should make her final journey as a warrior...even as a fallen one?

_Where else could you go? What do you have left to lose?_

My honor.

_You lost that long ago._

Myself, she told the voice.

_Don't you want to?_

Hollyleaf straightened up and narrowed her eyes. "All right," she mewed at last. "I'll go with you."

A satisfied gleam entered his eye. "Excellent," he said. "We'll start tomorrow."


End file.
